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Objectivity in Dating by Matt Pavlik MA, PCC

What would you say is the number one reason that leads a person to choose and unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. Let’s consider a less personal example to illustrate this idea.

Sally, a 24 year old, needs to shop for a used car. She looks around and takes a car for a test drive. She likes the color, feels comfortable sitting in the car, the car looks to be in good shape, and the car handles the road with ease. It is love at first sight! She comes back the next day and the next, taking the car on drives. Each time she takes the car out for longer drives. Sally is in love with this car!

Sally plans the date of purchase (the wedding), signs the financial papers and finally drives the car away never to return because she is now the proud owner. From this moment forward, everything changes. Sally must drive this car everywhere she goes. She needs this car to take her to work every day. She has to take the car in for maintenance to get the oil changed, rotate the tires, and a tune-up. Her whole perspective on the car changes from being a distant admirer to an up-close admirer, to an up-close owner. When Sally is the owner, the seller is not responsible for the car. She is.

Then it happens. Sally is all set to drive work one day and the car refuses to start! It’s only been 4 months since she purchased it. She makes arrangements to take it to the shop and finds an alternate way to work. The mechanic calls her later that day with the news, “Your car needs $477 worth of repairs just to getting working again. There’s also an oil leak. It will eventually need to be fixed and it will be at least $2000.” “Whoa!”, reels Sally, “The car I love is costing me dearly!”

This could happen to anyone. And even if a person is careful to select a mate, bad things happen in life. Our relationships will always require hard work. However, it is possible to do our part to avoid “obvious mistakes”. It would be nice to think that God would always prevent us from buying a car that needed a lot of work, but He doesn’t (at least not all the time, and not as likely if we are not praying and asking Him to help us make the decision).

Let’s take a closer look at what Sally could have done differently to reduce the likelihood of getting a lemon. First, it is positive that she took the car for many test drives. This provides opportunities to experience the car and see how it performs in more than just one drive. However, if Sally has already determined that this car is the one for her, she has already lost most of her objectivity. So even while continuing to spend more time with her selection, she is only “falling more in love” which means she is increasingly more likely to overlook any flaws.

This can happen because Sally let herself be in such a need to find a car that she is desperate to have the first one that appears to make her feel comfortable. Desperation directly results in a loss of objectivity. Then, the longer she spends with the car, the more attached she becomes to it. Attachment and passion are subjective. It’s good they are because it is part of what can keep a couple together – after they have committed to each other. But before marriage and before going on too many dates, it is important to stay objective and evaluate the potential mate. This requires patience and some would say requires being tough. But, when you are first meeting someone this is the time you are most objective. The longer you know someone the harder it is to be objective. That is why it is so hard to break up with someone the longer you have spent together – you’ve already formed an attachment. Staying objective early on prevents you from getting into a relationship with a person who is not ready to be in a relationship – due to “maintenance needs”.

The process of selecting a date or a mate is a subjective one. Seeing a counselor during this time provides the added objectivity to help you sort through your values and feelings so you can make a wise decision. Schedule an appointment with a singles advocate – Matt Pavlik MA, PCC.